01.26.10

hurrah my body is no longer in pain! hahahaha… i guess i’ve gotten used to it alaready. cheerdancing practices are going well but we didn’t have volleyball training today T.T which SUCKS! our team wants to play better and we want to win REAL BAD!! like i swear this time losing is not an option. if only i could practice the entire day till i drop i definitely would. but no, instead we have to give way to other people because there’s not enough space in our campus for all of us to simultaneously practice. the pressure is on us now that we really have to be the champion. i was so annoyed that i just sat in one corner and stared into space. funny enough before i knew it i was already dreaming about something. my classmates thought i was THAT sad about practice being cancelled which was also funny. but they didn’t notice that i was actually sleeping. LOLZ o.0

quite frankly i’m also not happy about how our pep squad is doing at the moment.

01.24.10

[  that it is time to finally forgive yourself ]
–>>

You’ve carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You’ve kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about it.

<<–

GENERATION DEAD. I haven’t finished reading it yet. It’s like Vampire Kisses only it’s about zombies and it’s less interesting. I guess it’s the way the author describes the details to the story. And the characters are sorta… FLAT, i guess. There’s just nothing interesting about them. Maybe it’s just lacking something… like the character of Phoebe who’s supposed to be a goth-girl and this Tommy Williams who’s supposedly the undead kid. Both characters don’t possess qualities that make them ineresting. Aside from the fact that Tommy’s a zombie and Phoebe the goth-girl falls for him there’s not much happening. I can’t even imagine what they look like. The lovestory is just really FLAT.

I want to read Vampire Kisses 6 so bad. I miss the lovestory of Alexander and Raven. No, seriously I do. =.=

I feel tired and sleepy. But I can’t really sleep. Either I don’t feel like it [ even though my eyes are begging me to] or my mind just won’t shut down. It’s not insomnia. I am able to sleep at night but in the day when I still feel very sleepy I still can’t sleep. Well part of that is because I’m in school and I’m not comfortable slacking off in my chair. Good and bad things are on a roll. Events just keep on happening day by day. I’ve no choice but to take every blow and accept things like I usually do. I feel like my mind wants to contemplate on lots of stuff but I’m confused which ones.

A headache…. I think i’m feeling one right now but it’s only mild. I have bruises but I don’t mind. I have 2 scratches on both arms, both of which were the result of my stupidity. The second one kinda surprises people, which is funny. LOLZ… their reaction makes me laugh a bit… like it some kind of stab wound. Both are healing, but I have a feeling I’ll get more scratches and bruises and maybe take more hits in the face during volleyball practice. Who knows? I might actually break my arm or experience a nose bleed? Both of which I haven’t experienced in my lifetime. I don’t mind if those happens, it’d be cool. HA-HA. I’m not a masochist or anything.. I just want to know what it feels like.  ^_^

I might get to see my bestfriend again. So looking forward to that. Aaah but I don’t want anymore crying. She seems sad whenever I see her. I feel guilty for leaving but then again I have my own life to live. I always think my friends can do without me. Aaah and I still do not have a prom partner and grad ball partner.. it sucks. I can’t put myself to ask someone unless he’s my cousin or relative. My pride won’t allow it. Aaah and this is the problem when you’re in an exclusive girls’ school. T.T

01.23.10

THIS IS A BIT LATE BUT WHO CARES? ARRRRGH! WHY OH WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO COTILION? I DON’T EFFIN WANT TO DANCE AND FOLLOW THAT STUPID TRADITION FOR GRADUATION. HECK, I DON’T EVEN WANT TO HAVE A DEBUT FOR MY 18TH BIRTHDAY. THIS SUCKS. I HATE IT. GOOD THING THEY DIDN’T ASK ME WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT IT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO LIE. WHY DO I HAVE TO FOLLOW SOME SCHOOL TRADITION ANYWAY? IT’S JUST SOMETHING THAT’LL COMPLETELY ANNOY BEFORE I GRADUATE. CAN’T THEY GIVE ME A BREAK?

I HATE THAT I DON’T HAVE A VOICE TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT I THINK. IT’S JUST REALLY A WASTE OF MONEY. I WOULDN’T SPEND THOUSANDS FOR ONE NIGHT WHICH I THINK IS COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS. IT’S NOT EVEN WORTH IT. =.=

01.18.10 [8:30 pm]

amp… i just found out that Kpop groups are going to have promo tours here in our beloved country…LOLZ [?] anw… i want to come even though i’m not that of a crazy fangirl… they’re still entertaining, i must admit…
so already spread that update… wonder how ppl will react[?] mwahahaha…
aaahh i am having difficulties installing our old printer because our OS isnt compatible with it…w/c sucks cuz i have this HW i need to do…
actually it’s just something for TLE [ home economics]… and i need to print some pix of strikingly attractive ppl from my ehem ehem [jrock] archive to use as design… >.< weird huh? well i’ve found a new use for those pix i’ve been collecting.. it’s kinda growing and taking up memory when i dont really have much use for them other than STARE and BLEED over them… [yeah right] so now i’ve found the PERFECT [?] use for them! hahaha too bad i only realized it now that school is nearing its end…
also, i’ve decided to turn my unused drawing books into journals… so i may still be able to use ‘em pix for design…>.<
haha these ideas i think of these days..are…just…. [ i really dunno!] LOLZ

xx

[ a happy post... geesh what a change for the first time in weeks...]

[It is a good day to start something new -- you're drawing people to you in droves.]

01.16.10

kon’nichiwa!! i didn’t get to go online yesterday… i was so tired. i guess the entire week has taken it’s toll on me. cheerdancing practice is very draining. haha what have i gotten myself into?!? i’m learning a few stunts now, which is the cool part. i wish i can do cartwheel agian. i already forgot how… oh and that baby freeze that looks like a check haha… and the handstand LOLZ…

we’re gonna start the dancing part next week… which i’m not looking forward to… [DUH!]

3OH!3 is <3 hahaha those guys have a LOT to say! LOLZ
and this keeps replaying in my head…

[ SSSH GIRL SHUT YOUR LIPS, DO THE HELEN KELLER AND TALK WITH YOUR HIPS! ]

WTH?

anw, some photos from memory lane coming up…

01.14.10

[ la la la la la ] argh… i got wait-listed in UST [ waaaahhhh! ]… hold on that means i still have a chance… the door isn’t closed yet [ hopefully ]
i got wait-listed for BS BIO… which is my second choice… my first choice is BS PSYCH… but i didn’t qualify or i didn’t make it to the specified quota… that’s sad T.T haha. actually there’s no problem if i just choose BS BIO instead. then i can pursue what i really wanted eversince… that is to become a doctor. but i already sort of gave that one up… only because 1) i’d have to study for at least 10 years and 2) it’s way too costly. i decided to change to psychology instead because then i’d be able to work and then just continue to clinical psychology later on. i actually plan to support myself when i turn 21. i don’t want to have to rely on my mum because i want her to just quit work and rest after all those years. but how am i gonna do that if i have to study for 10 years more? another option is that i can be a teacher… which is really not an option for me [ no offense ] XD i never seriously dreamt of becoming a teacher… EVER. i guess i just have to wait a little more. i’ve still got about 2 months to think it over anyways. i don’t know which path i’ll take. the one leading to my dream as a child or the one which i chose after much consideration for my future…? studying is not the problem but rather the time and the money…

xx

[ escapethefate ]
[With planetary activity at a bare minimum today, your ambition has some room to soar today, Leo. You could be feeling like you're on top of the world, and be setting your sights even higher, yet be perfectly aligned with the ideal of working for the common good. The main problem today is the same thing that is your advantage: this feeling of aspiration and optimism could cause you to take on more responsibility than you can deal with. As long as you remain realistic about your own abilities, you should have an enjoyable day.]

[ LOVE IS THE TRIUMPH OF IMAGINATION OVER INTELLIGENCE ]

CAREER: Trust your first instinct, it’s usually the right thing to do, and people will praise you for your decision.

01.12.10

hello people! ‘sown? [ like sup? according to my friend  ] LOLZ.
well i just wanted to say sorry for the sad posts lately.
I’ve been writing so much, so many things that are hard to say out loud so i prefer to write ‘em down.

anyway, cheerdancing practice started today. the stunts are interesting but i don’t know about the dance moves T.T
i hope we get to do more stunts since that’s what cheerdancing is all about.
i think it’s more on sychronized moves and daring stunts really… not combining some hip-hop moves or anything since that’s breakdancing already.
[ get my point? ]
LOLZ 

oh and i’ve been writing a fanfic too. it’s my first one actually and it took me months to finish.
i’m not sure whether to post it here. i was surprised at how it turned out since i didn’t plan to write a shonen-ai fic in the first place…
but i guess it’ll do 

i’m still procastinating on writing the poems for our music composition and also that description of myself for our yearbook.
if only i had ruki’s talent in writing such great poetry.
yeah that’s what i like most about dear bro’ [ hahahaha ]
he has a way with words… that it’s BEWITCHING.

xx

01.12.10

i’m almost done watching crows zero. i didn’t know this liveaction movie is uber cool. my friend told me about it last summer but i only got to watch it now. i guess i can make time for JK-dramas now that my schedule isn’t that tight anymore. wheeee hahaha i so waited for this time for so long…

things are confusing now. i only want to put things at the back of my head and figure them out later… or forget about them completely. i don’t care. i don’t want to give myself problems like i always do. i like to give myself a hard time haha. it’s all my fault when i feel like this. it’s stupid, i know.

oh well… i should be thinking how i’ll change everything. hopefully i can start a better life in college. but no one expects college to be easy. i’d be a fool if i thought that. i don’t want to leave yet. but everyone has to grow up sometime. besides if i don’t do this, then i won’t get to meet people who made jrock history in the future XD.

01.10.10

ChikuPon’s

[tiger tora's photobook] stalker mode xx

[investigative project] —> LOLZ!

01.09.10 3:26pm

( [overtly sexy human this way --->]

)

01.09.10

Finally i’m done doing my part for our thesis project. The rest lies in another person’s hands now. I hope there’ll be no problems. It’s up to her now. We have to submit that on monday by ALL MEANS. I don’t really like to wait when it comes to important things like that. I’ve to know if eveything was done accordingly. But she’s not stupid so there’s no need for me to worry so much. Although, I WILL BE REALLY PISSED if it doesn’t turn out right by monday [ for real]. Even it’s not so successful I still worked hard to do my part and that is a fact. All there is to do is to have it book-binded so it’ll be ready on monday.

[crosses fingers and waits]

then we’ve to worry about the defense next…T.T

sleepless nights…

ahhhh it’s a week of sleepless nights because of our thesis..

it sucks i can’t make it work before the deadline..

the important thing is that it’s done now..

we can pass it even though the experiment didn’t work [yet]..

I don’t feel like giving up on it just yet..

I dunno..i kinda enjoyed making the circuit and stuff..

it confused me though, i suddenly want to take up ECE for college..

It’s fun taking stuff apart and modifying them even though it’s just based on instinct..

i dont know much about circuit building.. but i want to study it and just make stuff out of interest..

it’s very costly though..

[i have a feeling it's because of watching "Iris"] LOLZ

there’s a project on low-cost power amps…

i wonder if i can do that one..?

xx

black coffee ♥

rant #5: BACK TO SCHOOL BLUES

AAAHHH I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL YET.

I CAN’T FACE MY GRADES T.T TOMORROW I’LL KNOW HOW I DID IN OUR LAST EXAMS AND ALSO WE’VE TO CATCH UP ON SCHOOLWORK AGAIN. SPORTSFEST IS COMING. THIS TIME I WANT TO WIN VOLLEYBALL. WE’VE TO PROVE WE CAN MAKE IT TO THE TOP. I’M STILL THINKING IF I SHOULD JOIN CHEERDANCING. YEAH, OUR CLASS IS A SMALL NUMBER SO EVERYONE’S GOTTA DO TWO THINGS. IT SUCKS. IF I JOIN CHEERDANCING, I’M JUST LOOKING TO HAVE BODY PAINS IN THE COMING DAYS TO COME. CHEERDANCING PRACTICES HARD AND THEN I HAVE TO TAKE HITS FROM VOLLEYBALL PRACTICE TOO. THE ONLY REASON I’LL JOIN CHEERDANCING IS BECAUSE PEOPLE WANT ME TO. I’M PROBABLY JUST GONNA DO IT TO AVOID HEARING STUFF FROM OTHER PEOPLE. IT’LL MAKE THEM SHUT UP ALREADY. GOD THEY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I’M USELESS IF I DON’T DO STUFF LIKE PERFORM [WHICH I DISLIKE DOING BTW]. WHY DO I HAVE TO OWN UP TO OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS? I’M FEELING DISAPPOINTED ENOUGH THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THESE THINGS WHEN I GET BACK TO SCHOOL. THAT PLACE IS SO DEPRESSING. I HATE IT. I’M SICK OF IT. I DON’T BLOODY HAVE O PROVE MYSELF TO ANYONE. I DISLIKE DOING THAT. BUT THEY MAKE ME FEEL STUPID AND WORTHLESS T.T IT’S SO SICKENING I FEEL BAD ALREADY RIGHT NOW. I FEEL ANNOYED…NO…’ANNOYED” WOULD BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT. EVERYTHING’S BEEN GOOD THIS PAST TWO WEEKS AND THEN I HAVE TO GO BACK TO HELL. I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO LET THEM GET TO ME. I WILL NOT LET THEM GET TO ME.

RESOLUTIONS? I DON’T KNOW IF I HAVE ANY. I’D PROBABLY BE FORCED TO MAKE A FAKE LIST IN SCHOOL WHEN THEY ASK US TO. HONESTLY, I DON’T BELIEVE PEOPLE HAVE TO WAIT FOR NEW YEAR TO START A CHANGE IN THEIR LIVES. WE CAN ALL CHANGE ANYTIME WE WISH. TODAY, TOMORROW…IT DOESN’T MATTER. ALTHOUGH THERE IS A GREAT EFFECT WHEN A PERSON CHANGES. EITHER THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU CAN’T ACCEPT IT OR YOU YOURSELF CAN’T. LATELY I’VE BEEN THINKING THAT I WANT TO WAKE UP ONE DAY, AND BE A DIFFERENT PERSON. I WANT A PART OF ME BACK. THE PART WHERE I’M SERIOUS ABOUT STUFF. BACK WHEN I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS CAPABLE OF. BACK WHEN MY OLD TEACHER TOLD ME I WAS CONSISTENT. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT? IN A SPAN OF TWO YEARS IT ALL CHANGED. WHAT IF I SUDDENLY DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL AND DISAPPEARED SOMEWHERE? LIKE GO TO MY MUM IN JAPAN OR SOMETHING. I ALWAYS THOUGHT ABOUT HOW I’D BE IF I LIVED SOMEWHERE ELSE. KNEW DIFFERENT PEOPLE. THERE’S SO FEW OF THEM WHO UNDERSTAND ME THAT I FEEL I DON’T BELONG WHERE I AM. I DON’T EVEN THINK NOT ONE PERSON IN THIS WORLD CAN KNOW SOMEONE ELSE COMPLETELY. IT’S FRUSTRATING BECAUSE THIS IS SO DIFFICULT. FROM TIME TO TIME I FEEL LIKE THIS. IT’S SAD. BUT WHATEVER. I DON’T CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL. I’M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MYSELF.

THE LAST MONTHS I’VE BEEN WONDERING WHY THOUGHTS ABOUT MY FATHER KEPT BOTHERING ME. I’VE ALREADY DECIDED A LONG TIME AGO I DON’T WANT ANYONE IN MY LIFE WHO DOESN’T WANNA BE THERE. I DON’T CARE. SO I WON’T.