rant #5: BACK TO SCHOOL BLUES

AAAHHH I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL YET.

I CAN’T FACE MY GRADES T.T TOMORROW I’LL KNOW HOW I DID IN OUR LAST EXAMS AND ALSO WE’VE TO CATCH UP ON SCHOOLWORK AGAIN. SPORTSFEST IS COMING. THIS TIME I WANT TO WIN VOLLEYBALL. WE’VE TO PROVE WE CAN MAKE IT TO THE TOP. I’M STILL THINKING IF I SHOULD JOIN CHEERDANCING. YEAH, OUR CLASS IS A SMALL NUMBER SO EVERYONE’S GOTTA DO TWO THINGS. IT SUCKS. IF I JOIN CHEERDANCING, I’M JUST LOOKING TO HAVE BODY PAINS IN THE COMING DAYS TO COME. CHEERDANCING PRACTICES HARD AND THEN I HAVE TO TAKE HITS FROM VOLLEYBALL PRACTICE TOO. THE ONLY REASON I’LL JOIN CHEERDANCING IS BECAUSE PEOPLE WANT ME TO. I’M PROBABLY JUST GONNA DO IT TO AVOID HEARING STUFF FROM OTHER PEOPLE. IT’LL MAKE THEM SHUT UP ALREADY. GOD THEY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I’M USELESS IF I DON’T DO STUFF LIKE PERFORM [WHICH I DISLIKE DOING BTW]. WHY DO I HAVE TO OWN UP TO OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS? I’M FEELING DISAPPOINTED ENOUGH THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THESE THINGS WHEN I GET BACK TO SCHOOL. THAT PLACE IS SO DEPRESSING. I HATE IT. I’M SICK OF IT. I DON’T BLOODY HAVE O PROVE MYSELF TO ANYONE. I DISLIKE DOING THAT. BUT THEY MAKE ME FEEL STUPID AND WORTHLESS T.T IT’S SO SICKENING I FEEL BAD ALREADY RIGHT NOW. I FEEL ANNOYED…NO…’ANNOYED” WOULD BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT. EVERYTHING’S BEEN GOOD THIS PAST TWO WEEKS AND THEN I HAVE TO GO BACK TO HELL. I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO LET THEM GET TO ME. I WILL NOT LET THEM GET TO ME.

RESOLUTIONS? I DON’T KNOW IF I HAVE ANY. I’D PROBABLY BE FORCED TO MAKE A FAKE LIST IN SCHOOL WHEN THEY ASK US TO. HONESTLY, I DON’T BELIEVE PEOPLE HAVE TO WAIT FOR NEW YEAR TO START A CHANGE IN THEIR LIVES. WE CAN ALL CHANGE ANYTIME WE WISH. TODAY, TOMORROW…IT DOESN’T MATTER. ALTHOUGH THERE IS A GREAT EFFECT WHEN A PERSON CHANGES. EITHER THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU CAN’T ACCEPT IT OR YOU YOURSELF CAN’T. LATELY I’VE BEEN THINKING THAT I WANT TO WAKE UP ONE DAY, AND BE A DIFFERENT PERSON. I WANT A PART OF ME BACK. THE PART WHERE I’M SERIOUS ABOUT STUFF. BACK WHEN I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS CAPABLE OF. BACK WHEN MY OLD TEACHER TOLD ME I WAS CONSISTENT. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT? IN A SPAN OF TWO YEARS IT ALL CHANGED. WHAT IF I SUDDENLY DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL AND DISAPPEARED SOMEWHERE? LIKE GO TO MY MUM IN JAPAN OR SOMETHING. I ALWAYS THOUGHT ABOUT HOW I’D BE IF I LIVED SOMEWHERE ELSE. KNEW DIFFERENT PEOPLE. THERE’S SO FEW OF THEM WHO UNDERSTAND ME THAT I FEEL I DON’T BELONG WHERE I AM. I DON’T EVEN THINK NOT ONE PERSON IN THIS WORLD CAN KNOW SOMEONE ELSE COMPLETELY. IT’S FRUSTRATING BECAUSE THIS IS SO DIFFICULT. FROM TIME TO TIME I FEEL LIKE THIS. IT’S SAD. BUT WHATEVER. I DON’T CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL. I’M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MYSELF.

THE LAST MONTHS I’VE BEEN WONDERING WHY THOUGHTS ABOUT MY FATHER KEPT BOTHERING ME. I’VE ALREADY DECIDED A LONG TIME AGO I DON’T WANT ANYONE IN MY LIFE WHO DOESN’T WANNA BE THERE. I DON’T CARE. SO I WON’T.