04.01.10

HAHA. HOW LONG WILL I KEEP GOING LIKE THIS? I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL A WEEK AGO. FIRST THING’S FIRST, I’M GETTING ANXIOUS. I ALWAYS AM OVER A LOT OF THINGS THAT I’M SURPRISED I DON’T HAVE ANXIETY ATTACKS  WHAT DO I DO WITH MY LIFE NOW? NOT EVERYTHING IS GOING EXACTLY AS PLANNED AND I STILL HAVE TO FIX “THIS”. I STILL HAVE THAT NEED TO GET MY LIFE ON THAT SPECIFIC TRACK I WANTED. BUT IT’S DEFINITELY GONNA TAKE SOME TIME AND I’M STILL UNSURE OF IT. I WONDER WHY I’M NOT FICKLE-MINDED. MAYBE I SHOULDN’T BE MAKING DECISIONS AS QUICKLY AS I AM NOW. BUT THAT’S JUST HOW I GREW UP. I MAKE DECISIONS AND I STICK BY IT, PERIOD. I AM FULL OF PRIDE SO I DON’T LIKE TAKING BACK WHAT I STAND FOR. BUT IT’S A GOOD THING TOO. I FEEL THAT I CAN’T REGRET ANY OF THESE THINGS I’VE DONE BECAUSE NONE OF THEM ARE ENTIRELY WRONG. MAYBE THEY’RE NOT THE BEST BUT THEY AREN’T WRONG FOR ME AT ALL. THERE IS A REASON BEHIND ALL THESE AND I’VE YET TO FIND OUT, I GUESS. MAYBE THESE THINGS WILL DO ME GOOD IN THE LONG RUN. THEY SAY WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO SEE YOURSELF DOING IT BUT THAT SCARES ME. DISAPPOINTMENT IS EASY TO ACCEPT WHEN I’M BEING NEGATIVE. SO I JUST TEND TO BE ONE. I THINK I HAVE TO GROW OUT OF THESE THINGS I’VE BEEN DOING. THESE THINGS I’VE BEEN OBSESSED WITH. BUT THAT’S DIFFICULT BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE I’LL LOSE MYSELF. LIKE I’M GOING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE AND NOT THE PERSON PEOPLE KNEW JUST A FEW DAYS AGO. BUT IF I DON’T, I MIGHT BE STUCK IN THIS STATE AND NOT ACHIEVE ANYTHING. I FEEL KINDA STUPID AND I KNOW I SHOULDN’T BE FEELING THIS. WORSE, I FEEL SHALLOW, LIKE THERE’S NO DEPTH TO MY THOUGHTS. I FEEL LIKE A KID AND IT’S FRUSTRATING. I’M SUPPOSED TO BE SENSIBLE AND YET I THINK I’VE BEEN RECKLESS ALL THIS TIME. THAT IS NOT COOL AT ALL.